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I Didn’t Know What To Do With My Life

Have you ever felt as though something was missing in your life but you couldn’t put your finger on what the problem was? Yep, a feeling in your gut that something is off and not quite right. So, you try for a while; weeks, months or maybe even years to figure out what that thing is – that could be the answer to whatever it is that you’re feeling is missing. I’ve been in this place before. It is an uncertain place that I would say feels like limbo, and not being able to move forward. Not being able to really progress through life, in any ‘real’ or meaningful way.

The choices that were put in front of me at the time, felt like a really good idea in the moment, but a week later, I would dismiss them because they no longer held any appeal. And I went through this cycle for a good chunk of my twenties. Coasting through life; not really knowing what I really wanted to do for work. I would exist but I felt like I didn’t really matter, in the scheme of things.

So, every day I used to open up Google and try to search for a ‘career,’ or a job that I thought would make me happy. I got to thinking that if I only went to work absolutely loving whatever it is I was doing (Monday through to Friday), then I wouldn’t feel so unsatisfied with my life. I searched online for university courses, trying to get ideas on what I would enjoy; what would best suit who I was. I would often think to myself, maybe if I had a degree I would be more satisfied or become more significant in this world. The world that I was currently only just existing in. The uncertain melancholy called life.

I had a partner once, and we were together for a long while and for a good many years. And, mostly in the last 3 years, I would wake up every day and I wouldn’t know if I even wanted to be in this relationship with him anymore, at all.

So, it wasn’t the part of not knowing that didn’t make sense to me. On paper – he was perfect in every way, but yet I always felt that our relationship was lacking something, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t pin point what was wrong. Or how to fix this thing that I was feeling. So our relationship lived in limbo too, not moving forward, not really progressing anywhere because I couldn’t decide if this was the kind of relationship I wanted to be in.

Online, limbo is translated to, “an uncertain period of waiting for a decision or a resolution.” Imagine what it would look like to wait, to live in uncertainty for years on end because you can’t seem to figure out the answers to life. And how is it that you know what you want to do for work? Do you just know that at a very young age, or do you figure that out in high school when you’re sitting in different classes, learning different subjects, and studying multiple things? I’m asking you because I was stuck on this question for almost a decade of my life, and not achieving anything – because I couldn’t figure out what it was, that would give me more meaning in my life.

This are surely significant questions that could change the path you can take in life. So how do you know? How do you figure this out? For me, it was learning and knowing myself, and understanding what I value inside myself. I also inquired about what it was that was absolutely important to me. So figuring out what makes my heart sing, what gives me absolute joy, doing things that made me have no sense of time, and knowing that being happy is important.

Through the trial and error of trying new things, and meeting new people, and going on dates and understanding that I didn’t need to get it right the first time, I became my new ‘normality.’ I wasn’t a failure if I didn’t do things perfectly, either.

It’s easy to crawl under a rock and live in that place of shadows for a while, to hide from your family and friends because they just won’t quit bugging you, as well. They might keep on asking how work is going, asking how your relationship with your partner is etc.etc. Sometimes, this was hard, and because I didn’t know the answers I would hide from them, and hide from the world. But I learned that this is alright…

There will be moments when things will align with clarity in your life, and you will feel purpose-driven again. You can’t help but dance in joy and share in your happiness with your family and friends. There will also be moments where you feel like locking yourself in your room, and not coming out until you have all the right answers, or the ‘magic pill’ that will make everything okay again – and that’s going to be fine too. I had to trust my journey, and trust that the choices I made or didn’t make were right for me at the time… and you should trust yours too. Despite any uncertainty. After all, it is the human experience that holds us all here, together.