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I Felt So Frustrated

Why do you wake up in the morning? And…do you start your day with a bang? Are you being grateful for: the gifts in your life, a roof over your head, food on the table, a warm cosy chair. And how lucky you are, to even be alive! I know that many people around the world today are not so lucky. Some of them do not have; a home, food, shelter, or family. Imagine that, any of it. Imagine it, for just for a moment.

Now imagine that your own family is surrounding you with love, joy, excitement, connection, support and happiness. Then, in a split second…bang! Something snaps inside of you. This energy force is built and derived from an intense anger; it leaps out from the depths of the deepest chasm of your soul. It comes from a place of gut wrenching darkness. It jolts the heart of your loved ones, your wife, your parents, your friends, your colleagues or even spits at strangers.

Sometimes, it gets worse, and the person who does not have the ability to stand up to you, is hurt, deeply, solemnly. Usually this someone is the one who has been giving you true, unconditional love, from the very moment they were born. Before it happened; the snap, I mean…you were the shining light in their heart of hearts. You were the guiding light, and yes, it is your child that I speak of, now. The most beautiful, honest, profound piece of you…your beloved, sacred child.

Whatever love they had for you before is ripped out from inside them; because in that moment (when you were weak), you snapped…really snapped. You came from a place of being absolutely: lonely, torn, depressed, frustrated, annoyed, and at that breaking point of anger, you broke them. You stole that innocence from them. You may have done it once, or many times before…

When your child is looking into your eyes with; fear, hurt, guilt, and deep sadness, you know right there and then that whatever it was to that made you crack and hurt them, needed to be fixed. It was going to be a long road to repair…all the damage you’ve done, to the innocence in their heart.

It is a road that can take many days, weeks, months and even years to journey through. And the journey is to purposefully get back to the same trust, connection, and pure love that you once shared. During all of that lost time – you could have been growing together. Nurturing the beautiful bond that only a father and a child has, together. Laughing, singing, growing and living; as a family entity.

But no. No laughter, no songs, no growth could possibly thrive in the ‘snap.’ This is because in that moment you choose to lose control – all of your emotions fly…off the handle, into another realm, out of control. Intensely, disgracefully, unjustly, inhumanely. You literally lose control of yourself; you lose your integrity…and in the totality of everything that you had been loving and nurturing, for many years, you do it still.

So, why did this happen to me? Why, why, why? You can live your life wondering why and continue cycling through a sabotaging pattern that does not serve you, or anyone else around you. I want you to ask better; more valuable questions, now though. “How do I solve this problem?” “What do I need to do to break the cycle?” “Who do I turn to for help?” Sometimes, you’re even wondering if there is any help, anywhere at all. So how do you go on? And what are you here for?

I truly knew from my own experience that something had to change. Something had to be done, immediately. I had to ensure that the love that my children had for me, could continue to expand and grow, outwardly. It was up to me, and only me, to recognize it and change it. I began the search for someone or something… to release the anger swelling up inside me, horribly, fearfully and painfully.

Yes, I knew I could not continue to be an angry person around my loved ones, and especially not my children. I wanted a better life for them, and I wanted to be a fun dad, a loving dad, a kind hearted dad. When I connect with my child I want to look deep into their eyes; I want to see the pure love they have for me…

I eventually stepped up and found a way. A way out – to let go of what was not serving me. I found much more of what I needed. I learned to be fun, loving, inspirational and a great mentor to my gorgeous, wonderful children. Now they can also express their own emotions, and share with me; in a fun, safe and loving environment. And you can have that feeling too! Yes, you. And you are so worth it.