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I Was Frustrated With Life

I used to wake up each morning; contemplating whether it was worth the effort to get out of bed and go to work that day. It wasn’t that I was depressed, it’s that I was so unbelievably jacked off at the cards life had dealt me. I was that seething in my own cesspool of anger; it felt like a way of getting revenge; for circumstances that riled me. Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you strike out, but that’s ok, it happens. So, you say to yourself, “keep going and pick yourself up.” Go! and you decide to go again.

Ok, so you read the right books, talk to your doubtful (but well-intentioned friends and family); and take your best swing . . . Then unbelievably you strike out, again. This happens day after day, week after week, and month after month. You are literally bashing your head against a wall, running on an endless treadmill…going nowhere, fast! Ugh!

At least that’s how it was for me, and if you’ve been there too; you know that you will eventually get to a point where you want – and expect to fail. You just do it on purpose; so you can blame someone else for your problems: like the government, or a business partner, or a family member. Unfortunately for her; it was my wife that had to burden my load.

The funny thing is; that it wasn’t that nothing went right for me, I just got to a point that I couldn’t see it in front my face. I couldn’t ‘see’ anything good or right, any longer. I had a job; not the best job in the world, but a role I was good at, nonetheless. In that role there was a steady pay cheque. Oh, and I also had an amazing wife. She was a soft and beautiful, honest woman; who weekly (and often daily) put up with my constant emotional fluctuations, and covert finger-pointing behaviours.

I also had; a healthy growing and beautiful son, a car that was paid off, friends who genuinely cared for me, and a family that had my back no matter what…

In a sense, I was actually rescued, come to think of it. I was pulled out of my downward spiral before it was too late. I had a saviour. Thank goodness.

I don’t remember how I came across this redemption, my judgement was clouded then, you see. But when it happened it helped me to finally see that my problems weren’t all that bad, mainly because I had so much good in my life. My saviour, if you will, was gratitude. A simple word in itself, but such a powerful one…indeed.

I started small and simple; it was actually very easy to master, really. And the impact was massive; I would alternately do an exercise whereby I would think of 5 things that I was thankful for… and then I allowed these feelings to resonate at my core…in my entire body.

It was these things I was grateful for: “I am grateful to have an incredibly loyal, kind hearted, beautiful wife. I am grateful for living in a country where I can feel safe walking down the street, I am grateful for having people that love me dearly.” I added to them over time.

So, I would go on like this, pausing every time to allow the gravity of what that meant to unfold within me. To resonate inside me. It was a gratifying and freeing feeling. An expressed, outward declaration of gratitude. Every day, twice a day, or even more when I could.

Do you know that it really doesn’t matter what the negative emotion is: depression, bitterness, resentment, or anger? It is actually impossible to feel those emotions when you’re feeling grateful. The other powerful thing for me; was that I realised I didn’t always have to be strong, I just had to be strong enough to start the affirmations. And, I was realising that I had a lot to be thankful for. Every single day…

So, now when I wake up, I don’t burn with the bitterness. I used to be crippled by it; now instead, one of my favourite things to do is to get up early. I love to do this (especially on a cool winter’s morning). I can go outside; just as the dawn is breaking, and as I take a deep breath through my nose. My face is filled with ice cold air, and my lungs sting with the intensity of bitter coldness. So, it is then that I whisper, “I am alive!” This is now truly something that I am grateful for.

In actual fact; everything can be faced with an attitude of gratitude. There is always something beautiful, or graceful, or peaceful…in everything. For without the act of being grateful, it is dismissed, diminished, allowed to be unimportant. So, today, what are you grateful for? I bet you can name 5 or more things in your world; take a look in the mirror. Be grateful for just being you! Say the affirmations out aloud…feel your heart open and connect to the sanctity of gratitude. Be grateful for it.