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It Was Ok To Be Vulnerable?

Have you ever felt like your life was just going through the motions? That you are spending way too much time on your days; which are drifting by, floating away… Sometimes you are doing the things that others around you suggest you should do. Just because it is ‘expected.’ On and on it goes… following trends, exhausting yourself; because it is expected of you. The worst part is that – on the outside; everyone thinks you are exceptionally happy, and that you have everything you want, in your magnificent life. You even start to believe that you are absolutely content and that your life is going along great, until… you spend time alone, and you feel completely, sometimes even desperately, empty.

Unfortunately, even when there are people around you, you have a feeling of the blues; an empty, heartfelt loneliness. This intense feeling is indescribable, and you feel like there is something missing. Something huge, something really important. The feeling seems dubious, endless, and you can’t quite put your finger on what it is that is missing.

Over time, you try to work it out, but you constantly push this feeling aside and ignore it as best you can. You do this despite the need to find it. It is an ironic situation, that seems to have no end in sight. So, out you go… with the continued life of: following, doing what others say you should, keeping up appearances and being pushed and pulled in all manner of directions. Directions of ‘fate’ which are not always chosen by you on purpose.

Then, just like before, a million times over, the feeling of loneliness is back. It seems stronger this time. Again, like always, you push it aside. But, before you know it, you are caught in a cycle that is very hard to break. Like a mouse on a never ending treadmill to absolutely nowhere…

This cycle continues over and over. Each cycle lasting a week, a month, a year or even longer; but it is the same cycle, nonetheless. This is what happened to me for many years. As each year went by; the feeling of loneliness grew in intensity. It was like a life form that was growing inside of me, getting stronger and stronger; taking more of a hold with the passing of each day. The feeling of loneliness continued until I could not ignore it any longer. Until it had to end!

One day, not long after my realization, something happened to me. Something within me snapped, and I had to say to myself, “Stop, no more… I cannot do this anymore.” I had been going around on this roller coaster for long enough. At that moment, I needed to change something. I needed to face something. I had not been able to face any of it before now. I knew that it had to be now, and whatever happened from here on out, it could and would only be; better than what I was feeling, now.

I was truly ready! Desperately ready in fact. Ready to bare my soul, my heart, my being. Yes, ME! I was going to let go of the facade and show my true self, once and for all. To express who I really was, and feel safe in doing so, regardless of what anyone else said or thought. I was finally ready to feel strong in my energy and within my individual expression of self. I felt extremely vulnerable doing this — taking this first step. This first step towards a more meaningful life, one which belonged to # ME and not to others. The feeling of vulnerability was intense; it meant that I had to feel, to understand, and come to grips with emotions that had been buried; the ones I was too afraid of exposing to myself, before.

Yes! I cried, as the emotions were being released, finally and fully. The weight of the burden I had been carrying for so long was truly, insatiably, sublime…all the negativity began lifting. The tears and emotions flowed like a wild river, running away, over the ‘waterfall of release.’

The most amazing feeling overcame me — an intense sense of calm, gratitude and peace. Yes, I was actually at peace in my new found state of vulnerability…it was blissful, soul defying and surreal.

As the days, weeks and months passed, I noticed that this new found inner peace helped me to embrace my true vulnerability; I was interacting with others in a different way, too. I started really connecting to the people around me at a higher level of being, and I was feeling safe in doing so. I was comfortable being vulnerable, and it was ok to feel this way…totally fine to be well, just me.

My relationships with others became more fulfilling, in every sense. Moreover, my relationship with myself blossomed and bloomed, extraordinarily. It was like the feeling of ‘puppy love,’ for myself! By changing how I treated myself, and especially correcting the things that I told myself; I became more positive and more confident…in all ways. I was free…

I AM worthy, I AM capable, I AM deserving… All because I CHOSE to be.

The loneliness is gone…and I am at peace.